the sending off

it was time to send off grandma in this post. the date was 26 january 2012 and the time was 10a.m.

we were all to be ready by 8a.m. and the house was bustling with everyone here and there getting ready amidst the daze of still not having enough sleep.

uncles from slim river bought breakfast of roti canais but we hardly had time to eat because guests started coming at 8a.m. too.

the first group to arrive was none other than grandpa's best friend, the tans.

mr tan had to converse with grandpa via the small whiteboard because of grandpa's deafness. he is actually older than grandpa but very much stronger. i over heard grandpa saying that he thought he would leave earlier than grandma and also that he staying in the house was useless while grandma would still be of use. gosh... i choked inside when i heard that. it would be hard to communicate with grandpa but i hope he could feel our love and care for him in the house.

when the crematorium caretaker and undertaker came, we were all rushing through our breakfast. we all stood at the kitchen table, all of us- the grandchildren, stuffing as much roti canai as we could into our mouth and chewing and swallowing because we knew lunch would definitely be later than usual. it was quite a funny scene.

when we were ready, we all gathered around grandma's coffin and it was time to perform the final rites before the coffin was closed. it was quite an emotional scene and everyone was teary.

in this photo, you can see grandma being covered with a 'blanket' bought my aunt which was to be burnt with her. it could only be bought by a daughter who is married. grandma looked so peaceful and at peace under the blanket.

then grandaunt's son taught showed us how we could say our final farewell to grandma. we kissed our fingers and placed it on grandma's forehead in a gentle pat. it was really emotional as everyone took turns to do it. i was standing at the foot of the coffin snapping away with my camera while tears streamed down my face.

then we were to leave the living room as they were closing the coffin. we had to turn our backs too as they wheeled the coffin out so as not to make grandma miss us or feel sad for leaving us.

then the coffin and the prayer tables were put on the road outside the house for the final prayers.

all the flower wreaths were also placed outside.

time to do some final prayers before the sending off. it included bowings, kneeling and circling the coffin.

circling the coffin.

going into the house to place the joss sticks at the temporary grandma's altar we have placed next to the main prayer altar at home.

then after a short break, it was time for guests to pay last respect to grandma while we all stood next to the coffin. first was the lim clan, then the chew clan (grandma's side), followed by relatives by marriage, members of associations and finally neighbours and friends.

we bowed back as gratitude to guests who came.

then my camera's battery was exhausted and my neighbour stepped in with her dslr and took over the photography duty. bless her. she even followed us all the way to the crematorium with her husband. it was totally not planned.

the coffin was wheeled into the hearse and all tables were taken away and the wreaths too. the group managing the funeral was really professional and fast in their duties so we really had an easy time.
the eldest son was to lead the way.

this is the hearse which the eldest son would later sit in to accompany the coffin to the crematorium while the rest of us followed in a bus.
the convoy following the coffin out all the way till the main road of our housing area. i was tearing up again here thinking that it would be the last time grandma walk out of our house and i was not the only one. i heard sobbing around me...and i shall not name them here.

this photo was taken from the bus, we used the highway to go to kampar.

we reached in less than 90 minutes due to clear traffic.

it wasn't straight to the crematorium. we had to burn more joss sticks at the reception area of the burial ground and they let us go for toilet break. phew!


this place is after temoh and before kampar on the right hand side if you are travelling north.

the bus they chartered for us. really comfortable and clean.

grandma's coffin already in the furnace ready for burning.

a monk performing the rites before the burning.

each of us held a burning joss stick and one unlit joss stick to place in front of the coffin. the ashes of the joss sticks were collected and put into a red packet and then poured into the urn which was used to place joss sticks at the memorial park the next day.

after placing the joss sticks, it was time to walk over a burning pan of gold paper. i think it is for the purpose of cleansing. we were also told to dip our hands into a bucket of water filled with flowers and run our fingers through our hair with wet hands to bring us luck after the solemn affair.

all backs turned away from the furnace as they lit it. we did not hear anything behind us, only the chanting of the monk and the sounds of bell. the vibrant colour tee shirts we brought to change were placed on our right shoulder. i do not know what that signifies.

after that, everyone got a red packet each and took a bite of the cake used for prayer. it was also meant for luck.

the 2 elder sons led the group to leave the place. everything was over then. the bones and ashes were to be collected the next day. again, the eldest son must be there.

everyone in their colourful tees posing for a group photo. yes, everyone who came was in the photo.

we headed to a restaurant in tg malim for lunch after that. everyone was famished and all dishes vanished from the table in minutes.

that was the end of ah ma's funeral.

the house was spick and span when we returned from kampar thanks to mom's relatives who mopped and swept and rearranged the furniture and also brought the dog out from the back to the porch. it was as if nothing had happened in the house when we returned because everything was back at their places just like before ah ma's passing. it made it so much easier to accept.

*everyone is taking a break tomorrow and most of us will head to klcc and pavilion to do some shopping. so don't worry about us not being able to accept it. we are coping really well and supporting each other. thank god for close relationship with aunts, uncles and cousins.

the 2nd day- rituals and rites

the funeral is already over and the things in the house are back to normal already. thank you to kind relatives (mom's brother, sister, sister-in-law) who helped us to clean the house and to arrange all the things back. aunt's maid was also here to accompany grandfather when we sent ah ma away.

the tears and the grief were already gone and it was all about the rites and rituals to perform. will share photos i took yesterday now. photos taken today will be shared only tomorrow as i need to select them. the photographer for today was shirley, our neighbour who kindly took out her camera as mine ran out of batttery and she volunteered to take all photos then.

some tables and chairs in the house and you can see the canopy already set up outside the house. everything was included in the package offered by the undertaker so we did not have to do much.

the money box and the guest book....and unlimited supply of water. we drank non-stop as it was really a hot hot day.

the first guests to arrive were kl aunt's siblings. since it is the chinese new year period, we did not really expect many ppl to come. so it was not surprising that one of the first to come were christians who had no taboo. many of uncle's estate multi-racial came too.

ah ma's coffin covered with an umbrella. we asked the undertaker why an umbrella was put there. she said in the olden days, animals like cats or dogs jumped over the coffin and it hence an umbrella was put there.

tokens of appreciation for guests who came to pay their respect.

our dinner yesterday, catered and delivered to our house. yesterday's lunch was seafood porridge.

mom could not cook because once we dressed in our mourning attire (white tee shirt and black pants, provided by the undertaker), she could not hold sharp things. so preparing food in the kitchen is a no-no.
wreath from uncle's church. many of his church members came all the way from kl too. really 'yau sam' of them. we were told to say 'yau sam' to those who came instead of 'thank you'.

the wreath from the memorial park where grandma's urn will be put.

more wreaths- all from uncle's colleagues and bosses.

we were all dressed in our mourning attire by 5p.m. because the buddhist monk would come later to read the chants and perform prayers and we were to follow.
blue cloth pinned on grandchildren of the deceased.

this was on children of the deceased.

this was on my cousin as she is my aunt's. dunno how to say it in english. called 'ngoi suin' in chinese.

this was on my aunt as she is the daughter of the deceased and already married.

oh, no i need to introduce him? we had to tie beanie at the back of the house, but no matter where we tied him, he kept barking non-stop. he is such a social dog, he just wanted us to be near him. he was also not used to the back of the house. he only calmed down when all guests had left and we tied him back to the front.

the following photos are of the banners of associations tied around the canopy.








the chants and prayers only started at around 8p.m.


first page of the prayer book. it was quite difficult to follow all the fast chants and at times i was so lost. there were chinese pronunciations translated in english at the bottom of the words so i just chanted whatever sounds were there. we did 3 rounds of chants and the first round was the funniest. my cousin and i even chuckled when we did mistakes. ok. i know it was not appropriate at all, but we just could not help it. after the 2nd round, i still could not follow and then i told myself that i had to get it correct for grandma. and i did manage to follow all the 3rd time although my brother and uncle's family (australia) came back from the airport in the midst of it.
that was us sitting in a row trying our best to follow the chants.

the brightly lit canopy. it was quite a good turn out yesterday night for cny period. it was not solemn at all and everyone was catching up with one another.

both uncles and their families went to slim river for the night except atticus who gladly stayed with us and stayed up till wee hour of the morning in the wake.

we had kfc at midnight for supper. everyone was hungry. i went out with atticus to kfc drive-through to order takeaway. there was no way i was getting out of the car to order the combo meal in my mourning attire.

before reaching kfc, we made a stop in town to drop grandma's nieces. the whole town was empty and there was not even a car on the road. that was when i decided to tell atticus to do something crazy to break the monotony of the day.

;) doing a taekwondo kick in the middle of the road and snapping a photo as a proof. see, i told you the mood was better on the 2nd day.

well, i am off now. time to call it a day and get my rest for kampar and rawang tomorrow.

thanks to everyone who sent their condolences.

goodbye ah ma

chinese new year 2012 celebration officially ended at 4.15p.m. on 24 january (2nd day of the lunar calendar). our dear grandmother has passed away peacefully.
everyone was at home. in fact, relatives and friends of grandmother visited her yesterday and this morning.

grandma was already bedridden since this morning and her system was shutting down. her stomach was bloated and whatever she consumed (liquid) did not even go all the way to her tummy. she kept spitting thick phlegm as they were stuck in her esophagus.

this morning, grandpa went to check on her and he patted her palm when she raised it as if telling her it was ok to go. then moments before she died, she asked for aunt who was upstairs and i heard that she left when aunt was by her side and holding her arms. i only entered her room after her last breath had left her as i saw her vomitted (that was when the system had shut down and whatever that was left in her esophagus was pushed up instead). i quickly went upstairs to get my brothers and cousins and that was it.

uncle then asked me to call australia to inform my other uncle. poor aussie uncle. he is also sick now but he has made arrangements to come back and will reach later tonight with his family.

i really could not stop the tears flowing....it was like a burst dam but i do not feel sad. it just feels like something is missing now. it is her time and i am glad she managed to join us for reunion dinner and entered the year of the dragon. i am sure more tears will come from me, just can't help it.

the funeral rites have all been arranged now and grandma is put in the house. grandpa is not one for rituals and traditions and if you were to give him a choice, he would just want to cremate her today. unfortunately it was not that simple. this complication is a blessing in disguise really because i am sure aussie uncle wants to send ah ma off.

so earlier tonight there was the buddhism prayers and it was the first time ever i had prayed that long- more than 30 mins. we were given a prayer book with pinyin and just followed what was told.

i am keeping watch now while the rest are sleeping. i think i can only bear it for another hour.
it is windy outside and the dog has been good the whole day. he did not bark at all at those visitors who came in when grandma was in her final moments. it was as if he knew. but i am not sure if he will know how to behave tomorrow. hope he won't cause a ruckus.

all the do's and don'ts we have to follow make the whole thing such a solemn affair. the undertaker reminded us that it is a bereavement and not a celebration. so no jewellery, no accessories, and no painted nails. well, all those are to be done when they carry out the rites tonight. then we will have to dress in white tees and black pants.

gosh, i don't want my funeral to be such a sad affair. to me, it is a celebration and to send away someone who has managed to live such a wonderfully fulfilling life. grandma had 4 children who love her dearly and grandchildren who will always remember her as their 'ah ma'. her friends will remember her as a gentle and caring person. she is one who always put her husband, children and grandchildren before self.

before she left, she had said not to cry and to pray 'amitabha' for her. it is hard not to do the first, so please forgive me for now. your kindness will always be a guide to me on how others should be treated. goodbye ah ma- these are the hardest words i have ever typed here but it has to be done. goodbye.

last parcel from last year.....arrived

it is the second day of new year- the day everyone who is married go back to their wife's hometown.

this is the day my friends will come visiting later.

yesterday was spent at home. i only went out at 9p.m. to a friend's house and slept on the sofa at midnight while the rest had their game of rummy. hahaha....the sofa was really comfy. reached home after supper at the mamak stall at 2.40a.m. but it turned out that i was the one earliest home among the 4 siblings. the rest came home after 4a.m. and the winner came home at 5a.m.

grandma is not doing well at all. today, she can't even talk and her mumble is totally inaudible. her stomach is really bloated and no matter how much ointment they rub on it, there is no release of the gas building up inside. i am not sure what is our next step. hospital?? that is the only solution i can think of. she is hardly eating also, only taking the occasional liquids.

oh, i got my last parcel which i anticipated since last year brought back to me from singapore.

ta-da 2 hello kitty masks from taiwan, gift from a friend in singapore and a forever 21 and hello kitty collaboration umbrella bought from the usa website and sent to singapore. what a long long journey.
tomorrow, all siblings and cousin will be at 1 utama. my brother is going for an urgent meeting with a japanese and he will be our driver dropping us at 1 utama. haiz...i want to watch 'viral factor' staring jay chou and nic tse, but everyone refuses to go with me. sob! i guess we will be doing some browsing and some shopping instead. anyone wants to join us??

good bye rabbit...welcome dragon

it is the chinese new year eve or the last day in the year of the rabbit and there are 2 main meals to look forward to on this day.

first, is the prayer to the ancestors in the noon.

grandma made sure everyone offered their prayer and burnt their joss sticks before she did hers.

she is frail today but better than yesterday. she only vomitted in the morning. she did not eat much the whole day but she took sips of soup and some cereals.

the second meal which is the most important meal for chinese new year is the reunion dinner meal.

there were 14 of us at the table this year and almost everything served was finished. some even had to stand to eat because the table was really tight.

well, there was not that much food eh? grandma had some rice and fish with soup but that was all.

2 hours later, after they had put her to bed, she called for food. aunt cook some mee suah for her. now she is back on her bed. hope she will get some energy for tomorrow. there was hardly a smile on her face today. seeing her made me lose all my mood for the new year.

however, i did something to get that festive spirit in the house...and i have some minions to help me get it done hahaha.....

my job was stringing all the red packets while my brother and cousins hung them outside. so this is the result:

i think dad's car fit into the scene really well too.


everyone who saw the red packets hanging from the passion fruit vines said they were really nice. ahem ahem....my idea mah. lol

i strung so many red packets that my brother got fed-up of hanging them and he put 2 here:

one went to beanie ;) so cute eh?

and this was brother's revenge on me- my car. let the luck be with my car then. huat ah!!!

so here's wishing everyone a good year of the water dragon. may the year be filled with all things good and you will have success, prosperity, wealth and health....and everything else you want.

the year of the dragon is coming in a day's time but i am treading the path with trepidation.

it will be a welcome with mixed feelings.

we haven't put up any new year decorations but we have painted the living room and outside the house.

the house now is filled with 10 occupants- mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, sis, brothers, cousin, aunt and me.

today, grandma has not been feeling fine the whole day. her tummy is bloated and she was brought to the clinic. medicine was given and she vomitted after that but she was so frail today. she only sat on her chair and dozed off nearly the whole time there. she also did not put much food into her. now she is brought to the bed to get her sleep. initially, she said she wanted to sleep on her reclining chair in the living room but we talked her into going to the bedroom.

let's just hope that her situation will make a 360 degree turn tomorrow and we will have a happy reunion dinner tomorrow.

it is all about the 3-7 this week.

i find it hard to believe that chinese new year is just around the corner...only 3 days till the much awaited reunion dinner.

the neighbours around my house have started decorating their houses with bright lights and big lanterns since last week. the lights really brighten up the whole row here.

i have been very preoccupied with work and i lack sleep. also, there is the problem with the tooth to take care of- no. 3-7 specifically.

well, it has all been about the tooth for me since saturday night.

no 3-7 is the molar (one of the last teeth) on the lower left and i cracked mine while having dinner on saturday night. ;( i think it was the thick and tough pig skin that caused the crack. gosh, i am not going to be eating roast pork for a while. the said tooth is already dead 5 years ago when i did my root canal treatment. one is advised to do crown on the tooth but my annual visits to the dentist found everything was all right and hence the call to do the crown did not come.

i blamed the dentist when i saw him regarding this crack.

luckily, there was no pain whatsoever on the cracked tooth. i put my finger in and i felt the piece dangling for its dear life but still hanging strong there when i shook it. haha....

so on sunday morning, i headed to sepang to pick up my brother and sister who came back from australia for chinese new year with my aunt. then it was to klcc to shop and to meet a friend to give her a surprise birthday present. the present looks like this:



it is a photo book. i made her one of our trip to seoul as i got 2 vouchers from groupon. i love my photo book of my trip to paris ;) making one does take some time so i am not sure if i will be making another one. well, it also depends if they are still selling the coupon at a disount. it does make a good present though and the exclamation of surprise and the happiness that beamed from her face made all the effort worthwhile.

the shopping trip to klcc was a success and everyone got everything they wanted on their shopping list.

so my piece of cracked tooth still stayed with me on sunday and on monday, i went to a dentist in bidor...it was necessary! the dentist pulled out the piece of dangling chip and i was half-relieved.
after getting some advice on things i could do with the half-remaining molar, i decided to go back to the dentist in tm who did the root canal treatment for me 6 years ago.

on tuesday, my car made many detours. from bidor-coldstream-tg malim-coldstream-bidor. i was driving kids to the district basketball competition on that day and i left them halfway in the morning for my dental appointment then made my way back by noon. what a day. the matches only ended at 5.30p.m.

so what did the dentist say? he told me to keep my tooth in the half cracked condition till after chinese new year as it could last if i did not bite on that side since the filling was still intact. i exclaimed (!!!) upon hearing that. so he opened his appointment book and forced me into the last slot for the next day.

so on wednesday, after work, it was back to tm for the dentist's appointment at 5p.m. i only entered the surgery room at 5.45 and stayed there till 7p.m. so now there is a temporary accrylic crown on the molar. moulds were done and i will only get my proper crown 3 or 4 weeks later due to the long chinese new year holidays. so reminder to self- push all the food to the right side of the mouth and then only start chewing.

talking about chinese new year, i am escaping all the last minute chores to be done at home. sis just fried muruku today. and bro and sis had painted the grills at home. yippee!! haha....nothing to do this weekend!!!
beanie also got into the excitement and got his butt covered with paint.

well, it is time to call it a night. i have been reading histories every day too. meaning- i read yesterday's papers today. this sort of condition has started since sunday. so come tomorrow, i will still be reading thursday's papers.

to those who are joining the balik kampung exodus this weekend, drive carefully and be patient on the road.

so long....farewell...

coming is fun, leaving is sad news.

uncle and his family have just left for the airport. the house is all quiet and it is time to clean up the room so i will have a neat bed to sleep on tonight.
grandma is solemn. she did not cry....but inside, i am sure she is sad.

atticus told me that his dad was crying when they left. i wanted to cry too when i knew my uncle was crying. i think deep down in everyone's heart, they sort of knew that it could be the last time they see grandma and grandpa this year. gosh, i feel so emo now.

talking about grandparents, their hair seems to be growing lushly recently. their scalps could hardly be seen now beneath their darkening hair. grandma had another fall in the house yesterday while inspecting the bunch of flowers aunt ginny bought. luckily it was just a light one and she was not injured in anyway, except maybe shaken. they had a feast at home yesterday night but i could not join them. dang, if i was free, i would have driven back just for the dinner. some of the dishes they bought home from the restaurants were chilli crab, mau tan noodles, deep fried trotters, steamed fish, and chilli prawn. the crabs would be enough to lure me back.

2 days later, i will be going to the airport to pick my sis and brother up. they are going to cheer grandparents up for sure.....but when it is time for them to leave.....i don't want to be in grandma's shoes to grieve.

ok, i dun want to think about it now. it is time to take a well-deserved weekend break after paying all my attention to kids who need me. i have adapted and i think the kids have started to warm-up to my teaching. it is sad to see the kind of level they are at...but it is also heartening when they tease each other and say that after all these years, they are finally starting to learn in my class. it is going to be a very slow process but we have to start somewhere.

oh, sis- your order with nailfiesta has arrived....and you will be getting them from aunt ginny.
these are the things i ordered. i heard the brand seche is better than opi now, so i got their base and top coat now. that opi set i ordered is a miniature set...so that is good. at least i don't have to keep them for long. but right now, i am too lazy to do my own nails haha....will pay and get a manicure and pedicure done next week in preparation for chinese new year instead.

sweet memory with dear cousin. and i am not that heavy ok.

are you ready for the new year?

chinese new year is around the corner and i have got my new year accessories:
a red ring to usher in the year of the dragon...

hmmhh...a timid mouse to be eaten by the dragon? kakaka....

this was bought in the summer sale last year and only now it is coming back. swarovski is having their winter sale again now. but aunt is already back so anything ordered will have to wait for ages before they are brought back. i think aunt will stay here for a while since grandma's condition is not improving.

she takes the prescribed anti-psychotic drug but all her hallucinations and her delusions still occur almost every day. the drug only helps her sleep better at night. just the other day, she went in front of the students and lamented about how unfair ppl were treating her. she made everyone of them stumped and shocked. she had already acted this way in front of 2 out of the 3 classes i had this weekend. i wonder how next week would be.

aunt is making cookies now in the kitchen. it is really hard to believe that the year of the dragon will be coming so soon. i have only just begun to settle some of my things. classes have been divided and books have been ordered. tomorrow, i am going to start the jogging session again. time to keep fit to fit the new year dress kakaka.

am planning a shopping trip next sunday. killing two birds with one stone- pick up my brother and sister who are returning from aussie for the new year and shop the isetan sale.

it is going to be an exciting week. hope all the stars are alligned and things will go well.

post-holiday blues

i think i am having post-holiday blues.

previously, i have only read about it, and now i am experiencing it.

the brain is all numb and everything seems so disorganised.

i have phone calls coming asking when to start classes, i still haven't got the books, and i still don't know the time for the classes.

the kids at work are not really helping either. i am depressed when i see their written work. none of the sentences make sense and this is not coming from the last class, it is from the middle class where everyone should pass all their subjects! in fact, it is easier with the last class as the pressure is not that heavy t here.

on a lighter note, i had some free time to go watch sherlock holmes 2. gosh, jude law and robert downey jr make the best onscreen couple! they just sizzle in every scene they are together. i heard mission impossible 4 is good too but my interest in tom cruise has waned over the years. maybe i will make myself sit through it and tell myself not to think of tom cruise but the plot instead. and to think that i used to be a big fan of cruise. i had his posters on my walls in my secondary school years.

i better get all my work sorted out and start adapting to the routine again. the faster the classes start, the better. and i need to find that time to go and jog too. hope this weekend will put things into perspective.

oh, i know what my new year's resolutions will be- be more organised and get a clear perspective of things and not clutter my life.
i should get a new interest to make hyped up about something. but i dunno what ;(
and....the last resolution- if apple is coming up with iphone 5 this year, i will get one ;)

work- i am ready

*handmade soaps in the form of macaroons from aussie

it is back to work tomorrow....well, not officially but i will be back in bidor dy.

the holiday is coming to an end...but...i am not going to miss it.

going back to work will bring me back to reality and make me spend some time away from the internet. the cyber space is not really a good place. it makes you waste your time and most importantly your money...in cyber shopping. kakaka.....swarovski is having their sale now *wink*wink

it is time to earn back the money spent and start getting busy again.

i already have phone calls and smses asking me when my classes are going to start. i am ok with starting them...but the books are not here yet! this year, my sunday is going to be a free one. so slog for 6 days a week and have a day of rest.

aunt's maid is here again for a few nights to accompany grandma. my mom and my dad are trigger factors to grandma's going nuts...so mom can't sleep with her. just this afternoon, grandma threw a huge tantrum hearing mom talk to me in the kitchen while she was having a bath and she accused us of plotting against her. then she thumped her way out of the bathroom, starting crying and shouting and hitting herself. it was traumatic and uncle and his family back from aussie and mom finally witnessed this kind of behaviour for the first time.

i am not going to miss watching grandma's every step though. very selfish of me huh? well, i hope aunt's arrival from germany is going to ease whatever frustrations grandma is having with the family.

i am going to call it a night now. have to start sleeping early and waking up early. time to get back to routine. it is not a bad thing especially when it comes to eating. my stomach has been out of sort lately due to the inconsistent snackings here and there and everywhere with my cousin. there is just so much to eat at home and one does not stop eating although one is not hungry. and when it comes to meal time, you don't feel like eating at all. it is time to loose some weight too. hm....all these will be tweaked in january.

i hope you guys don't have holiday-lag and find it hard to get back to work. happy working!