Give me some lights and not sounds

The Hindus are celebrating their festival light but I think this year, it has been more like the festival of sounds. As soon as the sky got dark, fireworks and fire crackers have been bursting non-stop. It is really irritating especially those that will whizz all the way to your house and explode when you least expect to. And that explosion could make the heart jump out and the house could be felt shaking. So imagine how it is to the dog? Poor beanie. And fire crackers..... Since when have Indians burnt so many crackers?? Are they trying to scare away the demons with all these loud sounds?? And it makes you wonder whether there is any real ban on these crackers in the first place. Oh, then police patrol car did come once and the sounds stopped for those few seconds. But when the car left, then party resumed.

I have decided to call it a night From my work and rest in bed instead with a book. Since my bedroom faces a Malay village, the sounds were not as loud but I can also hear fireworks being lighted by kids in the village as well. Well, at least there is no super loud explosion from their side.

Things at home has not gone so well especially with grandpa. Naaaa he won't be affected by all the sounds. After all, he is almost 100% deaf. The thing with him is his loose bowel and urinary system and his stubbornness. He has been peeing and shitting in his pants these few days that we have got used to it by now. My brother and father are handed the responsibilities to clean him up after the mess. My brother now even bathe grandpa because he is just not capable of doing this chore anymore. I guess it is a blessing in disguise that my brother is still in his unemployed state. But how long can this last?? We have adult diapers at home but grandpa just refuses to wear it. Heck, he even refuses to change his pants for tonight althoygh there is already urine and faeces on it!!! You do wonder how one person can stand such dirty condition and not be bothered by it. Is my brother too soft with grandpa?? I would have yanked the pants of him and fight him if I were in the room. The smell is totally unbearable. The only thing that is stopping me is the ounce of dignity I am leaving to grandpa knowing what an egoistic man he is. Even mom does not change his pants and leave the job to the two men in the house. But grandpa is not making things easy for them too.

This afternoon, he was shaking due to the pain in the nerves of his arms while in bed. And he vomitted. It was the first time I saw him vomitted. There is just no medicine to soothe his pain unfortunately. We did call mom to buy painkiller from the pharmacy after that. Brother cleaned the vomit and grandpa then wanted to go out from his room to the living room. At that time, my kids had all arrived and were at the tables. So halfway to the living room, right behind the kids, the spasm came again and grandpa could hardly stand. He was almost bent double holding on to his walker while his legs were all wobbly. In the midst of the spasm, he peed in his pants and wet the floor. The kids witnessed the whole episode but they did not show any big reaction on their faces. Gosh, I was so glad they could take it all in. Brother held on to him while I quickly went to get the wheelchair out while at the same time looking for rags to wipe the mess on the floor. Finally, we managed to push him to his chair on the wheelchair and brother cleaned the floor while i started my class.

It is living one day at a time now. Every time I get back to the house, I will be fussing if grandpa has had his bath, whether he wets his pants, is it time to change, et cetera. Going back to the work place seems like a much welcomed escape nowadays. I know it is not right to think this way, but i just can't help it. Thank god there is my brother around. I don't know what will happen without him. Well, dad was the first to clean and wipe grandpa for the record. But since he is not around sometimes, brother has to do most of the tasks.

Grandpa's legs will go weaker as day passes. He could hardly lift them up to put on a small chair himself tonight. He even refused the wheelchair when he had to get back to the bedroom from the living room after the earlier episode in the afternoon. He could hardly stand and he still refused the wheelchair. What kind of dignity was he still trying to preserve?? I insisted on him in the wheelchair and pushed away his walker. Sorry it was cruel but I had to do it. Better to wheel him than to see him collapse to the floor.

Things will not get better and everyone just have to be stronger. If only there is some communication from his side. Not talking is not helping at all.