everyone was at home. in fact, relatives and friends of grandmother visited her yesterday and this morning.grandma was already bedridden since this morning and her system was shutting down. her stomach was bloated and whatever she consumed (liquid) did not even go all the way to her tummy. she kept spitting thick phlegm as they were stuck in her esophagus.
this morning, grandpa went to check on her and he patted her palm when she raised it as if telling her it was ok to go. then moments before she died, she asked for aunt who was upstairs and i heard that she left when aunt was by her side and holding her arms. i only entered her room after her last breath had left her as i saw her vomitted (that was when the system had shut down and whatever that was left in her esophagus was pushed up instead). i quickly went upstairs to get my brothers and cousins and that was it.
uncle then asked me to call australia to inform my other uncle. poor aussie uncle. he is also sick now but he has made arrangements to come back and will reach later tonight with his family.
i really could not stop the tears flowing....it was like a burst dam but i do not feel sad. it just feels like something is missing now. it is her time and i am glad she managed to join us for reunion dinner and entered the year of the dragon. i am sure more tears will come from me, just can't help it.
the funeral rites have all been arranged now and grandma is put in the house. grandpa is not one for rituals and traditions and if you were to give him a choice, he would just want to cremate her today. unfortunately it was not that simple. this complication is a blessing in disguise really because i am sure aussie uncle wants to send ah ma off.
so earlier tonight there was the buddhism prayers and it was the first time ever i had prayed that long- more than 30 mins. we were given a prayer book with pinyin and just followed what was told.
i am keeping watch now while the rest are sleeping. i think i can only bear it for another hour.
it is windy outside and the dog has been good the whole day. he did not bark at all at those visitors who came in when grandma was in her final moments. it was as if he knew. but i am not sure if he will know how to behave tomorrow. hope he won't cause a ruckus.
all the do's and don'ts we have to follow make the whole thing such a solemn affair. the undertaker reminded us that it is a bereavement and not a celebration. so no jewellery, no accessories, and no painted nails. well, all those are to be done when they carry out the rites tonight. then we will have to dress in white tees and black pants.
gosh, i don't want my funeral to be such a sad affair. to me, it is a celebration and to send away someone who has managed to live such a wonderfully fulfilling life. grandma had 4 children who love her dearly and grandchildren who will always remember her as their 'ah ma'. her friends will remember her as a gentle and caring person. she is one who always put her husband, children and grandchildren before self.
before she left, she had said not to cry and to pray 'amitabha' for her. it is hard not to do the first, so please forgive me for now. your kindness will always be a guide to me on how others should be treated. goodbye ah ma- these are the hardest words i have ever typed here but it has to be done. goodbye.
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