it has been such an unhappy week for me that i myself still cannot really figure out what actually happens.
i mean this has never ever happened to me before. i believe myself to be a very positive and happy person but what i am experiencing this week is all so new and i hate it so much.
i feel so lost and unhappy, i hate to use the word depressed...but hey, a depressed person will not call herself depressed right? but frankly, i think i am depressed.
am i depressed because i am not seeing a direction in my life? am i depressed because i am too free? am i depressed because everything is disorganised at the workplace and i did not know where to start??
this whole week, i have been going to bed at 10p.m. without fail. i was without the computer for the past 4 days, and i have just managed to borrow a notebook today from a colleague who has already bought her own asus.
i feel so unhappy at work. i feel the work is no longer rewarding and i am not getting anything from it. i am sure i am still contributing but i feel empty inside.
i dun think anyone at work noticed my sadness because work is still work. i will still perform in front of the kids, voice out my opinion in meetings, complete tasks when i am asked to, etc.
luckily there are still some little tokens to cheer me up. they may be small, but they make me really warm inside.
a souvenir from a colleague who went to korea during the holidays. what am i going to use this for?
chocolates from kid who went to new york. lucky her.
this is my favourite....hello kitty wireless mouse from japan, also from another kid. isn't it beautiful? i was so touched when i saw this. i am still reluctant to take the mouse out from its box.
it is almost 10.30p.m. now so i guess the computer is keeping me awake and occupied.
extra activities at home have not started yet but i will make sure i start them next week. i can't stand not doing anything. it is one of the reasons that make me so lifeless i think. so am i a workaholic or what? or just an active person?
i am telling myself to look at the brighter side and set my targets and go for them.
- make more money
- save all the money
- keep myself busy
- must exercise
- must be relaxed and enjoy myself at the same time
- must finish work fast
- keep things organised
- dun clutter tasks and make self all messed up
ookok....i think enuf already.
i also had some comfort food or maybe i was just torturing myself since i wasn't really hungry but just wanna 'hurt' myself. jet told me to buy them but i have already finished half a box at one go. this is my first time eating so much of shat ke ma at one go. usually it is only a quarter because they cut that one box into 4 pieces.
time to sleep now. will make myself busy. i already have books to mark and a meeting to chair next week.i am very tired now. the brain cannot function anymore so no more rambling. hope there are better days to come and i will be happy.
6 comments:
Dear Escape, very touched reading the latest post. I always have the same feeling but can't voice it out precisely nor can I put it into words almost flawlessly like this one. At the same time, I like the presence of resilience attitude so the feeling doesn't plunge. The message listed is sharp and pragmatic. A good read this morning. It's just my feeling reading it. good blog.
meltdowwwwwwwwwwwwn! ok girlfriend, time to list what's good that's been happening lately!
And teaching in Malaysia is not a GGGGGGGGReat job anyway so it's no surprise anyone after 5 years in it would contemplate suicide! ha ha I know what you mean. U know, my daughter asked me how to be happy - she's 19 and always depressed. All she wants is to be happy. Then I told her that happiness is fleeting (hey, too much Paulo Coelho, eh). But it keeps your day occupied - comfort food, a movie, a blog post etc etc.. I dont have the answers to my daughter's Qs let alone my own, but we all distract ourselves with little things to keep us more spirited everyday. Good luck babe!
Don't be too disheartened my friend. Everybody feels this once in a while. Just have to keep your head up high and not focus too much on the negative. It helps me to keep myself busy when i'm feeling like this as well.
Hope you'll feel better soon and looking forward to happy posts from you.
X
meltdown...that is the right word.
well, at least i know that my sadness can make kev's start his day well....and that puts a smile on my face.
am glad that i am waaay over 19 now.
i will keep my head high but some tears that drop from the eyes are inevitable too.
my job is not the best job in malaysia. it is quite demotivating when you see so much cock and bull stories. hell, the country is living in a farce now as well. who are they trying to cheat?
nice post. thanks.
oh dear...i share your feelings. But we are strong women. don't lose hope. Be strong and do things you like to cheer up.
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